Stuffed Pepper Casserole

I can't tell you how many times I have made stuffed peppers in the past 6 years. Way more times then I can count. And every time I made them it's because Nick requested them and I begrudgingly agree. I actually highly dislike making stuffed peppers. First of all, they can be a lot of work. Second, peppers tend to give me indigestion so I never feel great after eating them. Third, I can never organize my "filling to pepper" ratio and always end up with a huge pile of leftover stuffing and no pepper to fill. All together, not my favorite thing to make.

Cue to last weekend when I ask Nick for input on this week's menu and of course...what does he request?...Stuffed peppers. As I added it to the list something struck me - why couldn't I turn it into a casserole instead of having to prep the peppers to be filled (which sucks a little piece of my soul every time I do it)? SO I DID! AND IT WORKED! Nick even proclaimed these to be better then regular stuffed peppers (!!!!!) so you know it was good! Next time I would bake in a longer/flatter dish so that the peppers and cheese would be more evenly distributed - there was a lot of filling and not a ton of the good stuff on top ;) Otherwise this has totally restored my faith in stuffed peppers! Or at least a "pepper and stuffing" type of dish! Never stuffing peppers again, HALLELUJAH!

The other nice thing about this dish is it's easy to take in different directions. Add some taco seasoning, corn and black beans and you've got South West. Would be great topped with sour cream, salsa or guac! Could also take it more of an Asian route with teriyaki sauce, sans cheese. So many options!

Ingredients:

• 1 pound extra lean ground chicken (could use any ground meat you want though)
• 1/2 cup cooked brown rice
• 1/2 diced onion
• 1 diced zucchini
• 2 peppers (color of your preference) diced
• 2 cloves garlic, minced
• 1 cup tomato sauce
• 1 cup mozzarella cheese (cheddar would work well also)

Directions:

1. Cook your rice according to package directions. Chop all veggies.
2. Saute ground chicken in a nonstick pan until fully cooked, season with salt and pepper. 
3. Remove chicken from pan and set aside. Add onions and zucchini to the pan. Saute over medium-high until onions are slightly translucent and zucchini is browned. Add garlic and saute for another 2 minutes. Season with salt and pepper.
4. Combine veggies, chicken rice and tomato sauce and mix until evenly distributed. Add to a baking dish.
5. Cover mixture with diced peppers and top with cheese. Bake covered on 375 for 35-30 minutes until peppers are tender. Remove foil and bake for another 10 minutes until cheese is brown and bubbly.

Easy Meatballs and Polenta

This is one of those recipes that is near and dear to my heart. Meatballs and polenta has become my showstopper dish when I have people coming over for dinner. For years I have worked to execute exotic, technically difficult dishes when I have company over and it's only when I was pressed for time or had a specific request that I begrudgingly made something simple instead. What I found time and again was that while the "fancy" dishes were always well-received, there is just something about elevating basic ingredients that everyone loves. Sure, you can impress with a perfectly executed crème brûlée but when you can create magic with simple things like ground beef, corn meal and cheese you will win over even the stiffest of critics. I think this is because with all the hustle and bustle required of us to survive, it feels good to be reminded that you don't need to have a ton of time or skill to make delicious food for the ones you love.

As an aside, I won't lie...I use store bought red sauce because I just have not mastered the art of homemade yet but feel free to use whatever you prefer. Homemade red sauce would just elevate this to the next level.

Directions:

Meatballs

Ingredients:

• 2 pounds lean ground beef (I used 94/6 but you can use whatever you can find. This is also amazingly delicious with veal/beef/pork mix but I'm trying to give up eating baby animals)
• 1/2 cup Italian seasoned breadcrumbs*
• 1 egg
• 1/4 cup cream*
• 1 tbsp Dijon mustard
• 1 dash Worcestershire sauce
• 2 cloves garlic, finely minced
• 1/2 tsp salt 
• 1/4 pound mozzarella cheese, thinly sliced (reserved for later)

Directions:

1. Mince your garlic, add to a large bowl with egg, cream, mustard and Worcestershire sauce - whisk to combine. Turn oven on to 400 while you prep the meatballs.
2.  Add ground beef to bowl and begin mixing. Add in breadcrumbs until the mixture is sticky and just barely holds together in balls. *You may need to add more cream or more breadcrumbs in order to reach this consistency. 
3. Heat a thin layer of olive oil in a cast iron skillet on medium heat for several minutes. Once oil is up to temp add your meatballs and brown on all sides,  about 15 minutes total. 
4. Cover cast iron with foil and place into oven for about 20 minutes, until meatballs are cooked through. Remove foil, cover each meatball with a think layer of mozzarella cheese and return to oven for another 5ish minutes, until cheese is melted. Serve with warmed sauce over polenta immediately. 

Polenta

Ingredients:

• 5 cups unsalted beef stock (you can use whatever stock or broth that you want but beef is my favorite for polenta served with meatballs)
• 1 cup dry polenta
• 2 tbsp butter
• 1/4 cup whipped cream cheese
• 1/4 cup sour cream
• Salt to taste

Directions:

1. Heat your stock in a sauce pan over high heat until it reaches a rolling boil. 
2. Turn burner down to medium-low (simmering) and slowly whisk in polenta in a steady stream.
3.  Turn heat down to low (only bubbling occasionally) and stir every minute or so for the next 12-15 minutes until polenta has thickened. 
4. Remove polenta from heat and add in butter, cream cheese, sour cream and salt. Stir until combined. Serve with meatballs and leave covered over low heat for seconds.

 

How Far Would You Go?

 

I have shared with some of you already that I recently got accepted into a leadership program at UPenn. The intention of the program is to identify the next leaders within the University, train them to be effective managers/mentors/role models, teach them the importance of  personal development and in turn, strengthen the University as a whole overtime. We undergo a combination of classroom learning, coaching, peer feedback sessions and extensive personality and strength/weakness assessments.

The program stresses that we cannot (and should not) separate our professional and personal lives. That is to say, that we are made up by the sum of our parts and it's impossible to see the whole picture without accounting for all aspects. That said, the personal development is a major aspect of the classes and I have found the additional guidance in this realm to be positive and enlightening. 

In the most recent classroom session one of the speakers mentioned something in passing that I wrote down because I knew I wanted to think about it more after class was over. He said, "You can only lead others as far as you yourself have gone. How far are you willing to go?" 

The idea seems painfully obvious at first glance. But in my ((relatively)) new position as a leader in my Center and my ((definitely)) new position as a wellness coach I looked at this from the perspective of my strengths and weaknesses and how they translate to my team. When I think about where my staff at work get hung up or when it seems like my Goal Diggers are a bit distant I turned the lens around and focused on myself. I realized there were aspects of myself and my personality that needed work which I had failed to see before and that my insecurities make their way to them as well. It made me want to become the best version of myself so that I can be a leader worthy for those who follow my journey. 

I don't think this is about being perfect - on the contrary. I think it's about being open-minded, introspective and constantly taking stock of how you feel and where you stand. Just because you aren't "there" yet doesn't mean you won't be there ever. And the fact that you are working toward it will be a powerful tool in leading the way for others to succeed. There is no destination in personal development - we are ever-changing!

Cheeseburger Casserole

Cheeseburger Casserole

 

This is most certainly one of my favorite fall/rainy/chilly/lazy night dishes. It's quick, easy, satisfying and tastes like a cheat meal but isn't. I love cheeseburgers more than one person probably should but cooking them inside is messy and while we are proponents of all-year grilling, I'm not crazy enough to ask my husband to grill in the rain (usually). 

This casserole of ground beef, pasta and cheese is perfect topped with whatever you usually like on burgers. We chose "whopper style" with fancy sauce (lightened up by using greek yogurt instead of mayo), lettuce tomato and pickles.  This would also be amazing with sauteed onions and BBQ sauce or any other number of toppings. Keep it simple or get nuts with your toppings! The choice is yours, but either way you will not be disappointed!

Casserole Ingredients:

• 1 pound extra lean ground beef (I used 96/4)
• 1/2 pound small, whole wheat pasta (best to use something that will soak up your cheese sauce - shells, rotini, elbows, etc)
• 1/2 cup cheese of choice (cheddar, jack, american, swiss will all work - whatever you prefer on your burgers)
• 1/2 cup vegetable both
• 1/2 tsp paprika 
• 1/2 tsp mustard powder
• Black pepper to taste 
• Toppings can include lettuce, tomato, onion, pickles, etc.

Fancy Sauce:

• 1/4 cup greek yogurt
• 1/4 cup ketchup
• Hot sauce to taste (optional)

Directions:

1. Preheat oven to 375.  
2. While oven preheats cook your pasta according to package directions and saute your ground beef. Drain both of excess liquid. 
3. Once beef and pasta are cooked, make your cheese sauce. In the pot where the pasta was, combine the cheese and vegetable broth over medium-low heat (4 out of 9 on my stove top) until melted and combined. 
4. Spray a baking dish with nonstick cooking oil. Add pasta, beef and cheese sauce. Toss until thoroughly coated. *Note: it may not look like a ton of cheese sauce ans that's okay, it will still flavor your casserole. 
5. Bake uncovered for about 15 minutes until top of crispy. 
6. While your casserole bakes, mix up your fancy sauce. *Note: May need to play around with the proportions to get it to taste the way you want it to. We prefer a creamier sauce but you can adjust it to be exactly what you want. 
7. Serve immediately, top with fancy sauce and toppings and enjoy!

 

3 Day Refresh - Day 2 Review

Overall,  Day 2 was much less positive than day 1. I had to get a flu shot (never my favorite thing to do), was must less occupied (had a very free day at work to catch up on paperwork which meant a lot of clock watching) and that made everything seem harder. I really doubted my ability to stay the course, I felt tired and didn't sleep all that well that night but here is the full low down...

BREAKFAST

Same story, different day...again I had my shakeo with frozen banana and berries.This kept me full until about 9:30 (about 2 hours) at which point I had some tea that I felt like did nothing for me.

MID-MORNING FIBER SWEEP

I actually found myself looking forward to the fiber sweep because I knew it would keep my full for  a while. I really don't dislike the taste of this and will likely incorporate something similar in my usual routine - definitely don't hate this!

LUNCH

 

Lunch on day 2 was a serious improvement over lunch on Day 1. I learned from my mistakes and  was feeling good at lunch. Gotta say again how much I really like the Vanilla Fresh! I need to buy that stuff on it's own! Anyone who buys this and doesn't finish and wants to unload some VF, I'm your girl!

AFTERNOON SNACK

I ended up having basically a repeat of lunch on Day 2 afternoon snack because why fix it if it ain't broke? I like veggies and hummus and it stays with me for longer then 1/2 teaspoon of almond butter would. This is a snack I have a lot so being a creature of habit, this just made sense for me.

DINNER

Now dinner is where things get dicey...my husband had jury duty and asked if I would mind if he just had a couple of beers and left over pizza for dinner. While he was totally supportive of me, he wasn't about to join in either. I had planned to make extra of whatever I was having to double as a side dish for his protein. I was fairly hungry when I got home so I decided just to get my own dinner started. I made the coconut steamed veggies (I added curry powder and some fresh grated ginger to go along with it) as well as heated my veggie broth. I ate slowly, drank some water and was planning to reserve my shake for "dessert" but even immediately after eating I was still hungry. This is when the thoughts of failure started to creep in. I also just so happened to purchase Halloween candy (because OMG THEY ARE RUNNING OUT AND WHAT IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY FOR THE 1 TRICK-OR-TREATER THAT WE GET?!?!?) so that was calling to me from the closet. I drank my shake but an hour later was still hungry.

Instead of veering majorly off track I decided that it was permissible to make myself a small, tortilla pizza (whole wheat taco shell, tomato sauce and light cheese) and call it a night. So did I cheat? Yes. Did I devour all the candy sitting in my pantry? No.

I went to bed early with a touch of a headache creeping up but tossed and turned for a long time before I finally decided to read which helped. Once I fell asleep I slept well through the night but had some wild dreams about truckfulls of dead cows and pigs being parked on my street (maybe it's because I've been eating vegan for the past 2 days?!) so I can't say that was the best night sleep I've ever had.

Onward and upward to day 3! Looking forward to finishing and celebrating our anniversary tomorrow!

Stay tuned for the final installment of Claud vs 3 Day Refresh! Who will win?!

3 Day Refresh - Day 1 Review

Gotta be honest, I have been thinking about completing a cleanse for a while but ever since I pushed the "submit payment" button I have been terrified. Luckily, now that I'm a day in and am writing retrospectively it all seems much worse in theory then it is in practice. But let me start from the beginning!

PREP WORK

After begging a friend to do it with me, receiving my 3DR package, tapering off caffeine and reviewing the contents I got down to the business of prepping. Meal prepping is something that happens almost every week in my house so I wasn't concerned about any of that. What I was concerned about was:

1) Having variety throughout the 3 days
2) Making sure everything was ready and easily available so I would have no excuses to cheat
3) OMG I'M GOING TO STARVE, WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!?

After my expected freak out moment I made a list, went to Wegman's, perused the organic fresh produce while sipping a cold brew coffee and politely allowed an elderly gentleman to run over my foot with his power chair - not once, but twice. Typical.

The program is simple to follow, with a helpful booklet that easily explains what to eat when and in what quantities. See below:

The fruit options range from 1/2 a banana to 12 strawberries and veggies range from 1/2 cup kale to 3 cups of lettuce - obvi I went for options that gave me more bang for my buck in terms of volume. I felt like if I was going to be successful I wouldn't be able to just count out 5 measly asparagus spears and call that a meal. In terms of "healthy fats" you had choices like 2 tbsp hummus or avocado, 1 tsp of oil or 1/2 tsp almond butter. Most of the time I chose hummus since it was one of the highest quantities (do you see a pattern here?) but did use a little almond butter at one point.

Prep work was easy. I cut everything up, roasted a bunch of beets and brought my 21 Day Fix containers to work so I could easily portion stuff out while there for each of my meals. I labeled my bags with the day and the meal time so it was easy to remember what was what. Also, the guide includes spaces where you can write in what you will be eating and I found that very helpful.

And so it began! I went to bed early on Sunday, said a prayer, put on my sleep mask and hoped for the best!

DAY 1

BREAKFAST

 

Breakfast was easy as I have Shakeology with fruit a lot. I chose to blend mine into my shake to make it a bit bulkier. I froze my 1/4 banana and 1/3 cup mixed berries so that it would be a frostier drink. Worked like a charm so down went my 8-10 oz of water and then my shake. Perf. 

OPTIONAL MORNING TEA

 Hello - do not offer me something "optional" in a cleanse where I'm eating 900 calories a day and expect that I'm not going to eat it. I will every single time. So the morning 'very not optional" tea was a blueberry green tea and while I was STARVING (like, woozy starving) before I drank it, by the time I was 1/2 way through I felt fine. Makes me wonder how often I misinterpret thirst signals for hunger on a daily basis...

MID-MORNING FIBER SWEEP

Okay this was the thing I was feeling most nervous about...FIBER SWEEP?! I don't know about you guys but anything with the words "fiber" and "sweep" automatically make my whole body sweat. As soon as it hit the water it started to expand and I thought OH. MY. GOD. What have I done?! Fortunately this stuff is basically unflavored Metamucil and at 8 grams of fiber, I've done way worse things to myself just by overloading on Fiber 1 bars while intoxicated (but that's another story for another day...). Fiber sweep kept me full right up to lunch and I had no complaints by this point. 

 

 LUNCH

 

Lunch on day 1 was surprisingly large. I had my first taste of the vanilla fresh shake which is actually delicious, I totally find myself craving this now. I am not a huge vanilla fan in general so I was fully expecting to have to gag this down but it was totally not the case at all. I wish I could buy this and just have it all the time. The vanilla shakeology does not taste this good - Vanilla Fresh for the win. I also had 1 cup of golden beets, 1/2 an apple and some almond butter. My two mistakes were:

1) Waiting to drink the shake - always drink that first bc your stomach starts to fill up and it gets harder to drink the longer you wait and 

2) Too much sweetness at one time - switching out the almond butter for hummus would have been a way better choice because I really had no relief from how sweet everything was.  

Overall though, not mad at this lunch. I could get down with this. Feeling great and getting all hyped because I feel like I can actually do this!

AFTERNOON SNACK

 Because I'm not actually an adult who can plan her time well I ended up goofing things in the timing department for the rest of the day. Months ago pre-cleanse scheduling I had offered to run a resume workshop at my alma mater (GO HAWKS! #thwnd) from 3:30 - 5:30. This meant I would have to drive out of the city to campus and eating would be difficult. That said, I ended up waiting only 1 hour between lunch and my afternoon snack and wasn't even hungry by the time it came around. But I ate it because I knew I would regret it it I didn't. Fortunately it stuck with me through the presentation but not much further than that. By the time I was done lecturing to and critiquing resumes for 40 graduate students my feet hurt and I was exhausted. To be fair, when I present, to say that I am "animated" would be an understatement - it feels like a 1 woman show sometimes but that's my style - so I definitely expended a lot more energy then I do on a normal day. By this point a mild headache had set in which I pretty much attributed to no caffeine and coming off of the high of the presentation.

DINNER

 By the time I got home I was famished and knew there was no way I was going to make it until 7:30 for my husband to get home, shower and be ready for dinner. So I cheated and had my Vanilla Fresh shake early, around 6. The rest of dinner waited until we could eat as a family. I made lemony kale and pine nuts (which doubled as his side to go with his grilled chicken for dinner so that was easy and also totally delicious, will absolutely make that again) as well as my vegetable broth - again, optional, but definitely not optional for me. Headache still persisted and I was EXHAUSTED (read - "fell asleep on the couch by 8:45") but wasn't hungry which was a pleasant surprise. I definitely attribute the major exhaustion and headache to the presentation and lack of planning my afternoon meal times.

So there you have it for day 1! Day 2 to come tomorrow!

Ginger Beef and Broccoli

Okay, I don't usually toot my own horn (wait, does anyone believe that??) when I cook a meal that is NOT a cheat meal but could totally be one, but this time I just HAD to share. Okay, who am I kidding? I toot my own horn a lot when it comes to cooking at home but seriously, this one had to be shared!! This slightly crispy beef is coated in a sticky, sweet, spicy sauce that goes perfectly with steamed broccoli and brown rice. I couldn't have asked for this to turn out better then it did!This recipe would also definitely be delicious with chicken thighs or pressed extra firm tofu, cooked the same way if beef isn't your thing!

As a note, I hate doing dishes so I try to reuse as many pots and pans as I possibly can. So to steam my broccoli I start by added about 1/4 inch of water to my frying pan where I will eventually cook the beef, turn the heat up to high until it starts to bubble and then add my broccoli and cover with a lid for about 2 minutes, tossing about 1/2 way through. When it's tender and bright green I remove it with tongs and keep it in a bowl covered with foil until I'm ready to serve. I keep the broccoli on the side because if I were to toss it with the beef and sauce it would be totally overcooked, drenched and soggy and ain't nothin' worse then soggy broccoli, amiright?

Also, please note that I am terrible at measuring things out so this is my rough estimation based on eyeballing. I recommend tasting your sauce and checking to see if it needs more acid or sweetness before you add your cornstarch.

Ingredients:

• 1 pound lean stir-fry beef but into 1/2 inch strips
• 1 pound broccoli florets, large stems removed
• 1/2 cup uncooked brown rice, prepared according to directions  
• 2 tbsp canola or coconut oil
• 1/4 cup fresh ginger, peeled and diced into small pieces
• 1/2 cup water, divided in two
• 1/4 cup soy sauce
• 2 tbsp brown sugar
• 2 tbsp agave
• 1 tbsp lime juice
• 1 tbsp rice wine vinegar (white or apple cider vinegar would be fine also if you don't have RWV)
• Sriracha to taste (optional, depending on your preferred spice level)
• 4 tbsp cornstarch, divided in half

Directions:

1. Prep your meat and veggies while you cook the rice according to package directions. 
2. To steam your broccoli, follow the directions in paragraph two above. While this is steaming toss the beef strips with 2 tbsp of cornstarch. This will give your beef a crispy exterior and will allow the sauce to stick to it after it's cooked. 
3. Heat your frying pan over medium-high heat (on my stove it's a 7 our of 9) and add the cooking oil.
4. Once pan is hot, about 2 minutes add 1/2 of your beef and cook for about 5 minutes, turning occasionally until the beef is browned with some crispy bits around the edges.
5. Remove and set to drain on a paper-towel lined plate while you finish cooking the rest of the beef.  
6. Once the beef is all cooked and removed from you pan, turn your heat down to medium (6 on my stove), add your ginger to saute with the remaining beef bits until softened and fragrant, about 3-4 minutes. 
7. While the ginger cooks, prepare your sauce. Add all ingredients from water to cornstarch together and whisk to incorporate, reserving 1/4 cup water.
8. To finish, add remaining 1/4 cup water to your pan to loosen any stuck beef bits and ginger.  Then add remaining sauce and cook, stirring constantly as it bubbles for 1-2 minutes. 
9. Turn off your heat altogether and add beef back in, stirring to coat beef evenly. 
10. Serve by plating brown rice on the bottom, beet on top and broccoli around the outside of your plate. 

Enjoy!

Even Your Worst Day is Only 24 Hours

As many of you know, one of the "activities" I have been into recently is keeping a bullet journal (or BuJo for those in the know!) and one of the items I decided to add was a mood tracker.

As I work in mental health and oversee a lot of studies where the participants are asked to track their moods nightly for menstrual symptoms, I've often been curious about tracking my owns moods but have always been too lazy too wrapped up in other activities to organize it. Therefore when I found out that BuJos have no rules (??!??!??!??! - terrifying and freeing all the the same time) I decided that adding a mood tracker was the perfect first edition.

As you can see from the picture I've been tracking for 2 months and while I'm still a little bit all over the place, my good days overwhelmingly outnumber the bad. And bad "days" don't generally last a whole day - just parts of one. I really wish I had started this bullet journaling in advance of starting 21 Day Fix Extreme again because I honestly feel like looking back I had a lot more "meh" or :-/ days and now things are mostly looking good!

I will say that I have done a lot of work to improve my mood since August began. As I keep putting myself out there more and more it's necessary to have a positive frame of mind because if you don't, it's super easy to focus on the negatives, the what-ifs, the potential for failure and so on. I realized almost immediately that if I was going to take the leap and learn to fly on the way down that I was going to have to believe (like, REALLY REALLY REALLY BELIEVE) that I would succeed and that positive things would come my way. I honestly owe that mindset shift to my improved mood.

It's incredibly freeing to let go of overthinking, catastrophising, worry and doubt. And apparently, all the real estate those things were taking up in my brain were put on the market and I was allowed to put whatever kind of thoughts I wanted there. So I replaced them with thoughts of self-love, growth, commitment, pride (which is different from conceit, mind you) and most importantly the intention to allow those positive vibes to flow outward to everyone else I come in contact with.

So long story short, I'm thrilled with the outcome thus far and am very much looking forward to the continued upswing! I wonder how many :-D days I will be able to rack up next month?!

xoxo, my loves! And remember, always be a goal digger ;) 

 

21 Day Fix Approved Cowboy Chili

Had some people ask about my recipe for my 21 Day Fix Approved Cowboy Chili so here is is for you! This chili is hearty and delicious and the best part, it is completely within the 21 day fix plan! Woohoo! I serve my chili with Greek yogurt and shredded cheddar cheese but you can garnish it with whatever you like!

This makes 8 servings and if you serve it as suggested, each serving coming in at:

-1 red
-1 green
-1 yellow
-1 blue

Enjoy!

But what if you fly?

 

 

 

This quote has really resonated with me recently... 

 

By nature, I'm a fairly cautious person. I typically make the safe choice, take the time to weigh out tons of pros and cons, usually overthink a decision to within an inch of it's life and in the end if I'm not > 95% sure it's the "right" choice, I will likely say no. I can probably count the number of times that I have taken a leap of faith on one hand. Just like the quote starts out with, "but what if I fall?" has more often then not been my motto. 

 

But I have to be honest, using that level of scrutiny to make decisions is freakin' tiring. Slowly but surely when I made the decision to stop overthinking (which, believe me, came with it's own set of pros and cons - HA!) I was terrified of all the negative possibilities that could happen and spent very little time thinking about all amazing things that were possible. 

 

But I knew if I was going to stop worrying about falling I was really going to have to surrender those negative thought patterns and start focusing on all of the amazingly positive outcomes that might come my way. If I didn't, I knew it would never work. 

 

And although it's only been about a month since I made this mental shift, it's amazing to me how many opportunities have literally popped up out of nowhere. And the more I keep believing they will come, like magic, THE MORE THEY COME. It quite literally feels like I've had a magic wand in my pocket for 29 years and I just recently learned how to move mountains with it. I can't believe I wasted so much time clipping my own wings. 

 

So all that being said, instead of worrying if you might fall, why don't you start focusing on all of the incredible things that will happen to you if it turns out that you fly?

The Big Why

Well, here I am...sitting down to write this first blog post, hoping for something transcendental to reach down and grip me up and tell me what to write here but so far it looks like I'm on my own...So here it is, from me to you - 

In my life I’ve always found that things happen for a reason. I know that’s corny and cliché to say but it’s 100% true. Every trial, failure, misstep, sidestep, stumble, mistake, hardship – you name it – has ended up bringing me somewhere better. Usually that place is completely different from where I originally anticipated it would be but I’ve ended up there and happier than before. In many ways I feel like a lot of my life experiences have pushed me into Beachbody coaching but there’s one key experience that has dictated my life, my mood, my family and my choices for the past 2.5 years. I have yet to share this story publicly and am still hesitant to do so but it’s the real and honest reason why I decided to become a Beachbody coach. 

 

When my husband and I first met and sooner rather than later started talking about marriage and children, we discovered our shared desire to be "young" parents.  Seeing as he is five years older than me, we talked about timing and what that meant to both of us. We ultimately agreed that "young" would mean having our first child before we were 30 and 35 respectively. As if I didn't already know we were meant to be, I was thrilled to have found someone so in tune with my own dreams about a future family.  

 

Well as things turn out, here I am, 3 months shy of 30 and there's no baby in sight. But I should backtrack a little bit before coming back to the present... 

 

About a year after we were married we decided it was time to "stop preventing" children and just sort of passively see how it goes. I was thrilled to find out that (even after having been on birth control for almost 10 years) my cycles were regular, I appeared to be ovulating normally and so I sat back thinking it was only a matter of time now! I dropped some hints to friends, family and people at work so they wouldn't be shocked when I started showing up with a belly looking like I ate too many donuts or couldn't drink at that upcoming bachelorette party.  In fact, in the beginning I even hoped for "just one more month" to enjoy myself, drink my beloved  prosecco and eat as much sushi as I wanted. And for a few months the negative test was a relief. 

 

But at some point the relief turned to mild disappointment. And a few months later the disappointment turned to sadness. And a little while after that the sadness became full on heartache. And soon the heartache wasn't just happening a few days a month, it was happening all the time. But even through all this you still think it will happen "next time." And since it's "going to happen next time" and you're POSITIVE life will be totally different for you in a matter of weeks, you say no when you're asked to be a bridesmaid in a great friend's wedding or to tropical vacations or really any longish-term plan that could be effected by a big belly or a newborn in 6-12 months. You start OBSESSING over everything - moods, cramps, any "symptom" that typically would get ignored is now seen as a SURE sign of pregnancy...even though it never is.  

 

So finally after a year and a half I decided it was time to seek some help and find out WTF was going on. We went through all the tests - all the blood work and the poking and the prodding and the x-raying and the wearing of a diaper for 24 hours after having iodine shot into my uterus only to find out - THERE'S NOTHING WRONG! So there I sat, half in shock in her sunny 12th floor office, nodding blankly as the doctor described the statistics of being able to have children naturally, my mind racing with thoughts about how this "unexplained infertility" was standing in the way of all of our "young parenthood" plans...I'm sorry, what?!

 

God bless my husband, who has been a ray of sunshine in all of this. He has remained positive this entire time, believing that we're on God's clock and that it will happen when it's meant to happen. His rosy attitude has caused a lot of different feelings/reactions in me over the past two and a half years - everything from uplifting and inspiring to straight up irritation and anger. But still he goes on, unwavering in his dedication to positive thinking.

 

So there we were, plodding along, talking about buying a house but never committing, talking about getting another dog but never committing, talking about going on a vacation but never committing. Another 6 months go by and I'm still pretending I'm fine but really feel like I'm slowly dying on the inside. I'm also not so slowly gaining weight and even less slowly spiraling into a place of self-remorse and pity.  Meanwhile, all the pregnancy announcements start to roll in in record numbers because the rules are written such that: 

 

1) Once you are old enough that your friends are getting married, they are also going to start having babies at an alarming rate and,

2) When you have heightened awareness you will automatically see pregnancy and babies EVERYWHERE. There is not one place you can look without being reminded of your own empty uterus. 

 

So New Years Eve 2016 rolls around and hubs and I do our normal NYE routine. I make us a fancy dinner at home and just shy of midnight we bundle up for the walk down the street to Penn's Landing to see the fireworks and ring in the new year with 10,000 of Philadelphia's finest. So we do our thing and on the way back home he says we should talk about all the things we did in the previous 12 months. So I think, and think some more and do my best to type different key words into the search bar of my brain and come up with this: NOTHING. Literally, not one interesting thing that I could find. I realized I was so busy waiting for this non-existent baby to materialize that I ended up taking all the joy away from my own life. ME! Someone who LOVED fun and adventure and excitement and laughter and living in the moment had literally existed in a self-induced emotional coma for not one year, but TWO. Not wanting to feel disappointment, I shielded myself from feelings of excitement. Not wanting to say yes to fun stuff because "maybe I would be pregnant by then," I missed out on what could have been an epic vacation for my mom's 60th birthday. The realization hit me so hard I actually stopped walking and stood slack-jawed in the middle of the street. He stopped at the tug of my hand in his to realize I was rooted to that spot. 

 

"What? Are you okay?" he asked and I quickly word-vomited the information I had just pulled from my skull. And his response was so simple, so pure and just what I needed to hear. He said, "so let's change that." 

 

So let's change that...I'm not sure four little words have ever had such a profound effect on my life (they highly contest the four he asked on bended knee in 2011). And so change that we did. 

 

Early in 2016 I made myself a pre-30th birthday bucket list. Since January of 2016 I cut and dyed my hair, lived out my dream of playing the Emcee in a packed-house cabaret performance of Wilkommon, I ran the Ben Franklin Bridge at sunset with some amazing new friends I made through  a local running clubs (shout out to City Fit Girls and Run215!), I trained for and ran a 10k, I lost 12 pounds, I committed to a workout and clean eating program, I got a puppy, I donated a respectable amount of money to a charity that meant something to me and we bought a house. WE. BOUGHT. A FREAKING. HOUSE. And maybe most notably for me, I got over my fear of exposure and finally, after two and a half years of going back and forth, I applied to become a Beachbody coach. 

 

Now let me be completely clear here - I'm not here to sell anything. I'm not going to convince anyone that this is the right path for them. Maybe it is, maybe it's not. That's not at all my thing. What I AM here to do is to share my story and be living proof that you can go through your own personal hell and come out the other side better then before. If we chat and you decide you want to join me in taking this path to health and wellness, then I'm 100% all in with you and we're going to do this together every step of the way. 

 

What I hope you take from this is that no matter how bad things get, YOU POSSESS THE ABILITY TO CHANGE IT. For me, the road included creating a routine, using 30-minute at-home workouts to help clear the worry from my brain, filling my body with food that was good for me and taking the time each day (even 5 minutes) to reflect on all the things I'm grateful for. I refer to the overall idea as "wellness" because that's really what it is for me - an overarching commitment and dedication to me own wellness, physically and mentally. This vehicle worked for me and I would be doing others a disservice if I didn't share my experiences with everyone I know and then some. 

 

So am I pregnant? No. But am I happy and am I working towards a better me every single day? 100% hell yeah. Because now I decide what I let through my filter and what I choose to direct my attention and energy to. I choose joy and laughter and self-love everyday and I will continue to choose those things over everything else. 

 

I don't care what the source of the feelings are or how you got there, if you in ANY WAY feel similar to how I did over the past 30 months, don't wait another minute...

 

Let's change it. 

Inquiries: claudia.j.iannelli@gmail.com
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